Fuzziness

There was a storm last night, and I think it messed up my computer monitor. Everything seems fuzzy... just out of focus enough that I can barely make out what's going on, but it's difficult to see certain things likewhether or not I remembered to hit the space bar between those two words. It's annoying, but I'll live. The funeral is sucking up all our extra money right now so I can't get a new monitor for a while.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, tomorrow is Jakob's funeral.Did I write that I'm supposed to... ah... write Jakob's eulogy? I'm really not looking forwardto it... I know I've had a few days, and I don't have much time left, and I really should get to work, but I just don't want to start. Once I start I know I'm going to be flooded with memoriesof little Jakob, and that's going to be hard to deal with.

This morning I thought I heardJakob in the kitchen calling for me to come have breakfast. Jakob liked to make breakfast for everyone on the weekends (I know today's not a weeked, but I was tired. Leave me alone.) So, when I thoughtI heard his voice, I completely forgot he was sacrificed to the devil and went running into the kitchen, ready to pick him up and tickle him. And, the kitchen was empty. Of course.

I started sobbingwhen it all came back to me. He's really dead, and tomorrow we're going to bury his empty casket and pretend he died in his sleep instead of disappeared into the woods from a steakhouse bathroom. We'll go back to our lives and pretend like he never existed so we don't have to think about all of thepain his death has caused us, and we'll pretend he wasn't real, just a voice in the kitchen on the morning after yet another sleeplessnight.